The Anger Exchange

How to swap your reaction for a more helpful habit

“Anger must come from judgment. Judgment is the weapon I would use against myself to keep the miracle away from me.” A Course in Miracles

Although acting out of anger can feel enlivening in the moment - like a release - it isn’t helpful as a long term strategy for living. When we keep it going, it stagnates and becomes resentment that separates us from the good in life. And even in the short term, anger can become an unhelpful habit that can turn people off and cause trouble for ourselves in the process.

Expressing anger is an attempt to ‘throw’ pain or fear outward; it’s a release - and as such can initially make you feel better. But it’s an interim stop - it’s not the destination. A situation happens - and you get angry. Or you have road rage at a driver on the road who cuts you up. And it happens every time you drive. Over and over again. It’s a vicious cycle and you end up being controlled by it - reacting like Pavlov’s dogs rather than being a powerful creator of your own reality. You are giving your peace away to other people and it’s just not worth it.

Are there short-term benefits of anger?

Anger is making a judgement- that someone else did something wrong. It is love unexpressed- and that’s why it feels so stifling. People go red with anger, their body gets tense; it’s like a torrent of love is trying to get through but the channel is blocked. The fact that we get angry is why we can often be quick to anger - but also quick to go back into love or laughter - because anger isn’t all that far away from connection like depression and fear (anger against self) are. So, in many ways, anger is an improvement to feeling really low- and we all know that, because it feels better than that. So the feeling of anger is not the problem — and I wrote about that in my previous blog called Anger detox.

Ultimately, though, the meaning of the word says it all: ‘anger’ comes from the Norse word ‘angr’ meaning which means sorrow or fear. So ultimately it is always a sign that there is some fear or judgement going on; It is ultimately a sign that you’re disconnected from your Real Self.

Is anger costing me something?

Despite all the usual anger management tips like counting to ten, waiting until your calm before speaking or punching a punchbag etc - if you still think getting angry is benefiting you - these techniques won’t work very well long term. People then wonder what is wrong with them, when they can’t even follow a few simple steps they’ve read. Trust me, it’s not only you. Some people associate anger with masculinity or power — and believe that it has some kind of benefit in their lives. Until you realise that another way is better for you, you won’t drop the anger.

Exchanging anger for something better

Imagine if your anger was was costing you something like, say, a great relationship?

Would you make the exchange?

That’s what happened to me. For a long time, I allowed myself to get angry a fair bit. I figured it was a huge improvement over the depression I used to feel - and it was. I got very good at moving past my anger, which was a result - but I wasn’t ready to give it up.

And then I had the vision. In it, a being appeared before me in my mind’s eye and asked me to hand over my anger in exchange for a great relationship.

I was shown that anger had taken me as far as it could. Now it was time to move higher. This didn’t mean I was to feel bad about anger if I got angry again (I’m human after all and feelings of anger are part of an anger detox — see previous blog)- it’s just to realise that it is not powerful, exchange it, and move on.

Be ok with where you are

Every time you think of anger- imagine that ‘exchange’. Through meditation, you may get an idea of what anger is costing you and so will be more likely to exchange it in this way, as you will realise something personally important to you that it is costing you.

Like all habits, you may go back into your patterns of anger - and if and when you do - you want to be ok with that. Think of how accepting children are of their anger- they don’t go into guilt; they have their tantrum and move on. Be like them, and the anger will quickly pass. And before you know it, by keeping in mind your ‘exchange’ of the anger for something you really want, you will have moved into the empowerment that is natural to you - and also discover that thing you really want is now in your life instead.

Michael James is the author of Emotional First Aid and Feel Better, No Matter What which are both published by Watkins Publishing. http://instagram.com/michaeljamesbe