Ending the Argument Cycle— and Loving your Intensity

Getting into the argument cycle

You know when you keep on arguing with those you love? You have conversations to sort it — and then ten minutes later you’re arguing again. It becomes a habit. Every time you say you’re not going to argue again, and then you do, you feel more guilty. More shameful. More out of control.

Before you know it you feel there’s only one option — to break up. Is there any other way to break the cycle?

How do you stop it?

Like so many habits, willpower isn’t enough, because it’s become an emotional addiction. What does work is love and acceptance — which is normally the last thing people do. After all, they say, “why would I congratulate myself when I’ve been so horrible? What’s wrong with me? And I certainly won’t look for the good in ‘them’.” This shame and anger then leads to low feelings which sparks another argument.

Let’s start with total self-acceptance of what’s going on

Firstly, you should have argued because you did. This is true whether it’s the second argument this week or the seven hundredth. You’d be amazed to know that guess what — some great couples do argue sometimes. And that’s OK. And there’s a way through it.

It’s OK that you are argued. More than that, it’s a good thing, Why? Because that’s what happened and perhaps there’s something good about it. Finding the good is what will let loose of the pattern.

What’s Good About arguing?

Well, it shows you care about one another. It really does. You don’t argue with people you don’t care for, especially not frequently.

Plus, it’s often a process of releasing patterns — the argument itself has come up to be released, once and for all. So that’s something to celebrate. As you embrace and even welcome the argument afterwards (in the moment you’re often too taken up with it), the pattern releases for good. It’s resistance that keeps the repetition. You argue — and then criticise yourself, the argument or the other — and the pattern stays stuck ready for the next argument. Instead, embrace it.

It’s rarely about them — or even the subject of the argument

There’s often an unspoken thing that’s going on behind what you think the argument is about, and it’s normally a lack of self-love. The solution this argument is calling out for then is to love yourself more. That’s why this approach to meet what’s going on (no matter if it’s something you like or not) with gratitude and radical accepantce is the answer, because ultimately it’s self-love.

Love you (and your intensity)

There’s this thing called the artist’s temperament — which is a state of freedom, wildness, wild emotions and intensity.

All of us have had that experience as toddlers or children where we were told to stop crying or had someone get embarrassed when we threw a tantrum in public — and it happened to all of us, regardless of how amazing our parents or surroundings were.

This taught us to shame ourselves and feel embarrassed. It’s especially true if you’ve got that artist’s temperant going on — you’re a creative, with a penchant to overthink and you have strong emotions. In that case you’ve probably developed strong shame about the emotions you perceive as negative. And yet the shame hasn’t stopped you having them.

Then you get the same thing from society as you grow up and more so — women are told that they’re hysterical if they’re angry or a “bunny boiler” if they are intense in a relationship. Men are told similar things to shut them down in a different way.

It seems only the artists have permission to be free in all there emotions — and that’s why I love art galleries. There’s freedom — and realness — out and proud and on display. Intense emotions are celebrated and shown to be what they are — magnetic, creative and powerful.

So let’s do that and celebrate our own intensity. Intensity is a good thing. Stars — both stars in the world and stars in the sky are super intense. And who doesn’t want to be like that? How about loving yourself as you are? It will sort everything out.

So you want to start accepting yourself. All aspects of you. Right now you are how you are and all of it is here to be loved and you will change if you’re supposed to, naturally in the atmosphere of self-acceptance. Just like with the argument cycle, it’s this unconditional allowing and acceptance that will set you free.

Michael James is the author of Emotional First Aid and Feel Better, No Matter What which are both published by Watkins Publishing. http://instagram.com/michaeljamesbe