Dynamic Dating
How to make meeting people more fun, successful — and less of a total nightmare
A new relationship ought to be exciting — after all it’s what you wanted, right? But now you find yourself almost feeling worse than before you met the person. What’s going on?
When you find something or someone you want — your mind wants to “try really hard to make it work” — and this is where you go wrong. When a new relationship appears — the stakes seem high — and so you put more effort in. And yet effortless is the key to things working out, not more effort. But “trying hard” is the near-automatic place our minds want to go when something matters — so this new approach will take some practice.
When you go into thoughts on the subject of romantic relationships — it’s like the storehouse of every time you got abandoned gets unleashed on you. That’s why it feels so bad. You don’t get called back — and it feels like the end of the world. And then you feel like a total loser for feeling so bad about checking your phone every five minutes and seeing he hasn’t replied to your text message.
Don’t worry. It’s not just you. If you listen to the most popular music — you’ll discover most of it is about romantic relationships. Or rather the pain of romantic relationships. People think these thoughts are just them- but it’s clear these feelings are universal. That’s why there are more than a billion hits on youtube for the latest “heartbreak” song — because everyone relates. It’s not only you — and that’s where you want to start.
It’s not just you. And it’s OK to feel this way.
Fantasy vs self-assured anticipation
When you meet someone new, the lower self “thinking” mind (otherwise known as your ego) wants to go into fantasies about the future — thrilling about marriage, children, lifestyles you will live together — sometimes after you’ve hardly spoken to the person! You can tell this is not genuine happiness as it has an edge to it; like you’ve nervously bet all your money on this one outcome like a single number on the roulette. This fear-based fantasising is self-hate in disguise. It may feel exciting- but there’s an underlying dread feeling which is the tell tale sign you are off track.
Firstly, you don’t even know this person and your fantasising of how they “should” be is an attempt at control. Also, you have exchanged your own self worth for them by all that daydreaming; it’s like every time you dream of them, you are denying yourself. You are the star of your show — not them.
Whether it feels like a manic high — or like worry or abandonment — it’s coming from the same source and it’s a sure sign you are disconnected from your power. You know it’s the lower mind by how it feels: A hysterical or manic stream of mind chatter, rather than the self-assured, confident knowing of the Real Self (which is the empowered you).
Trust me — your mind won’t figure out who they are, what they are thinking or what’s going on. So give up trying. At the same time, love yourself through all these reactions and champion yourself anyway.
Relationship pain: Why feeling attractive is the antidote you’re looking for
All relationship pain — whether it be longing for someone, being “done wrong” by someone or being lonely — has one thing in common — it makes you feel unattractive — like your magnetism has gone. And so the answer is to find a way to feel attractive.
By attractive, I don’t necessarily mean feeling physically attractive — it’s just that feeling of being an attractive person: loving, interested and interesting, appealing — and a total catch. It’s that feeling of self-love and self-confidence, a feeling that is less about thinking and more about being. Neediness is the opposite of attractiveness — and feeling attractive is the antidote you’re looking for.
Attractiveness isn’t a feeling for you to generate yourself — your attractiveness already exists behind the overthinking just like the sun exists behind the clouds. You just have to reveal it.
Thoughts are like the keep on a magnet — that piece of metal that covers the magnetic part which stops its magnetism. Thoughts, in this way, stop your natural magnetism.
Re-discovering your magnetism
Your key to taking the keep from your magnet is to do something which connects you to You; something that gets you in the flow. Do something to get out of your mind — do something else other than sitting there and thinking and listening to those awful “heartbreak” songs: Get yourself to the gym or into a similar exercise; go for a run. Exercise gets you out if the mind and into your flow. Go out and get some new clothes. Start a new hobby or project. Before long, you will have called back your energy and unleashed your attractiveness. You’ll feel good, and your feelings around the new relationship will be exciting rather than a total nightmare.
Michael James is the author of Emotional First Aid and Feel Better, No Matter What which are both published by Watkins Publishing. http://instagram.com/michaeljamesbe
